Sunday, April 22, 2012

Mournful Joy

Four years ago today I miscarried my baby. Yesterday I found out my Grandpa only has weeks to live. This has been a hard weekend. To be truthful I am tired, so tired. I didn't want to have to do today. Last night I begged God for strength to leave the house and have to be in the company of people when really what I wanted to do was hide until I could conquer my sorrow.
My grandpa is amazing. When I was little I followed my Grandpa everywhere; I loved talking to him and listening to his stories. When he came to visit us he always brought me tomatoes and green peppers from his garden. Whenever I smell a tomatoe on the vine in the store I think of him! When we visited last summer it had been a long time since I had been to his house. Walking in, spending time with him, rediscovering all of the little things I had almost forgotten; I felt like I had found the puzzle I had been missing from. I felt I made sense there.
My grandpa is a Christian man; I know when he closes his eyes for the last time here he'll open them the next moment in heaven. My Grandma is waiting for him there. I know my baby opened her eyes for the first time in heaven and beheld the glory of God. This is beautiful; but for the ones left here it also has a tinge of sorrow. Mournful joy.
"My soul melts with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word! Let your steadfast love comfort me according to your promise to your servant." Psalm 119:28 & 76
"The Lord is my Shepherd; I shall not want. He makes to lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside the still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in the paths of righteousness for His name's sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff they comfort to me...Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever" Psalm 23: 1-4;6
God does not promise to throw hardships in your path and leave you there dying in them. He is the Good Shepherd, He leads you; He carries you; He comforts you because He loves you; because He is good, and  because He is faithful. I have found Him faithful and I wouldn't to walk through life without Him.
The pain of losing a child whether during pregnancy or later, never goes away. The pain of losing someone you love doesn't either. Yes, I am still sad, my heart aches but the love of God never fades, His comfort is real and He'll walk with me through every heartache and in the end carry me home. For the Christian death should not be a horror but rather a home-going: "it is not death to hear the key unlock the door".


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