but sometimes it feels like yesterday
but sometimes it feels like ten
My child has been in the presence of God...
And I wonder, What is she doing right now?
I imagine her singing with the other saints around the throne of God. I see her in my minds eye in a beautiful white robe with flowing blonde hair and blue eyes that are happy. After St. Patrick's Day this year I became incredibly grumpy. My loving husband pointed it out and after some poor excuses I finally said, "These next weeks are when our baby was still with us, it is a hard road for me to walk ."
After that I decided to try not to remember so I wouldn't become to grumpy or sad but in my dreams I heard a child's voice beg "Do not forget me mommy" and I would weep. One particularly bad day I wrote this:
I walk through shadows
And tears blind my eyes
From the grief of my heart ache
That pain that never dies!
The darkness it would take me
But for You by my side
Draw me close, be my Light
In Your arms let me hide!
As a child I need You Father
To clear my eyes of tears
And bear me through the shadows
Taking my grief and fears.
I know You'll not leave me in darkness
For in shadows there is a Light
It shines from You my Father
And leads me through this night.
Still I tried not to dwell on it, to wrap oneself in misery and wear it around like a cloak is wrong. I pushed thoughts of it away refusing to think to far ahead to that day we found out we lost her.
But it seemed as if God had other plans. People I barely knew or knew very well mentioned it to me and though I tried to not show it inwardly I drew back like I had been slapped. I do not talk about my baby casually, not even to my husband and here were people mentioning her in an offhanded manner. How dare they mention her like that! Didn't they realize my baby died within me? Didn't they know I still cry when I hear her name? Didn't they know the date was coming, the day I looked into a screen and saw nothing?
Of course they didn't know, they had no experience like that to even know at all and I kept those thoughts to myself knowing they did not mean to bring me pain. But I wondered, how long Lord? How long would I hurt for my baby ?
I realized in days since that perhaps I was focusing on the wrong thing when I tried not to dwell on what happened. I was trying not to be sad but not replacing it with anything else. Last night I held my Erik when he woke up crying and I rocked and sang to him, "You are my sunshine" for I have always felt God gave me Erik who is like a happy beam of sunshine to help heal my broken heart. I thought as Erik made me happy because of his smile and happy attitude perhaps I should think of the things that made me happy about our little one while she was with us. Be grateful and joyful for the time that God gave us, the joy it brought and I wrote this
Thank You Father
Thank you for life, You gave me to bear.
Thank you for dreams, that made the days sweet.
Thank you for love, that was mine to share.
Thank you my Father, for giving all this!
Thank you for joy, that comes from despair.
Thank you for hope, that comforts my soul.
And thank you for You and how much you care!
I have tried to focus on the joy and yes it is tinged with sadness and I still cry but I hope I am growing and am starting to look back with a smile at those 12 weeks of my life. These verses in Job have helped me, "For He wounds, but He binds up; He shatters, but His hand heals". God leads us through our lives and sometimes He breaks us for reasons we don't understand but he doesn't leave us in our brokeness.
Psalm 94:17-19 "If the LORD had not been my help, my soul would soon have lived in silence. When I though' "My foot slips," Your steadfast love, O LORD, held me up. When the cares of my heart are many, Your consolations cheer my soul."
Two years but any moment now I might see her and my Lord Who never leaves me and brings me joy, comfort, and help in everything.