Novemeber 13th 2008 was my baby's due date. Hard not to think of what might have been. Last night I just wanted to hold my baby, knowing she is in heaven was not enough; for just a moment I gave into the selfish wish to have my baby with me, here, now. Then with tears and a sigh I put away that thought, I wouldn't want to tear my baby away from God's arms, not really. Then there is the paradox of if we had not lost our little Dee we would not have had Erik and he is my sunshine. Some things we cannot understand, how such a blessing can come from sorrow and loss and would not have come without it.
Still I think what my girl would have been like today. One year old, probably petite and blonde like Katie and Abby, with round cheeks and sparkling blue eyes. As I ponder all these things I think of what my Daddy told me when we first lost our baby. One day when I get to heaven there will be my beautiful child with blonde hair and blue eyes running with open arms to hug me. A beautiful thought that brings tears to my eyes but comfort to my heart.
I wrote another short poem to honour my little one and to put into words what I've felt these past few days. Not sure if I'll write a poem every year, not sure if I'll need to but for now I do.
Gentle Saviour full of love
hold my child for me tonight!
Though I'd never want to take her
from Your Heaven's sparkling light;
How my arms still ache to have her
rock her close and hold her tight.
So my own Gentle Saviour
Hold her close and me tonight.
It has gotten easier, most days now I am fine but then today comes and I break down like it happened that day. In those moments I throw myself at my Saviour's feet and beg for comfort. Yesterday the lines from a song came to my heart...
"Saviour like a shepherd lead us, much we need Thy tender care;
In Thy pleasant pastures feed us, For our use Thy folds prepare:
Blessed Jesus, Blessed Jesus, Thou hast bought us, Thine we are;
Blessed Jesus, Blessed Jesus, Though hast bought us Thine we are."
I need His tender care and am so glad that I am His and He has promised to take care of me even when I walk through the valley of shadow and nothing, nothing can separate me from His love! Promises that I wrap myself in to fill the pain and emptiness left by this life! So though I feel sorrow and loss I can say I am blessed; for what is this life and its pain compared with His love enfolding me and His promise of heaven and an eternity of bliss?