Slower Would be Better!

It's hard to find time to do everything you want to do. I have at least one hundred things I plan to do everyday, from the necessary like washing dishes, to the fun like taking the kids on a walk, to the just for me like working on a puzzle. But time goes so fast that by the time the kids are in bed sleeping the day is over and most of what I meant to do remains undone. My girls have begun to feel the passing of time and comment at the end of the day whether or not that day had been long or short, usually they conclude it was very short and I agree.How often do we hear or think, "Where did the time go?"

Wasn't it just yesterday that my baby was only 2 weeks old and small enough to be in a bassinet bundled in a receiving blanket?When did he get to be 8 months? Did I fall asleep for a couple months? I think I just blinked and there he was big enough to be sleeping in a crib, sitting up, scooting, and babbling!A few days ago when I was doing school with the girls I found a stash of Christmas projects in the craft bin I had meant to do with them. They had waited for almost 3 months for those particular projects to be on sale at Hobby Lobby and were so excited when they finally were and I had forgotten to let them make them! There just hadn't been enough time!

I have dozens of projects planned for almost everyone I know but there doesn't seem to be enough time to finish the ones I've already started! This year I want to make the girls quilts to fit their big girl beds and Christmas quilts and of course there's Erik's quilt that Joel designed and the original pattern I designed for him as well and...the list goes on and on and there doesn't seem to be enough days in the year to get it all in!

I know in a few years when the kids are older and there are no more diapers to change I'll have more time on my hands. I know that someday they will be gone, busy with their own lives and there will be stretches of weeks, even months when I won't see them and then it'll feel like I have too much time. That thought makes my heart ache and I don't want more time like that. What I want is to only need 4 hours of sleep instead of 8, think of how much I could get done with four extra hours in a day! I don't want to rush through my children's childhood, I just want time to slow down...the days to be longer.

I blinked and Erik is 8 months...if I blink again will he be 5? Just yesterday my little girls were pretending they were ice skaters performing at the Olympics; if I blink twice will Katie be getting married? Will Abby be starting off for college? What can the solution be? Put bricks on their heads and sew my eyes open and use lots of eye drops, or hook myself up to an IV filled with caffinated energy drinks? Probably not! I just need for a minute to hold more than 60 seconds, that's all!

I know there are other women out there who feel this particular pain! We can never do enough to truly satisfy that longing to give our children that beautiful childhood we want too. There are so many things we meant to do to show we love them, to make their days special. We feel the days slipping by, we see our children getting older and our arms ache to hold our babies for a just a little longer. We beg time to slow down so we can live in that moment for as long as our hearts want us to. While we really wouldn't want our babies to remain babies forever we do wish the sweet moments at least would last a little longer.

Motherhood's Time

Slow the sun up in the sky,

So this time won't pass me by!

Take the night and make it long,

So I might sing them one more song.

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For time is passing much to fast

And childhood it does not last.

The bud will bloom and birds will fly

And soon my baby will say good bye!
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Oh time take up your hour glass

And do not let the sand grains pass.

Make this moment last a day

So in my arms my child can stay.

School Days

Sometimes Katie asks me questions that I wasn't expecting for a couple more years. When she was 3 1/2 due to her questions we discussed in detail the different aspects of heaven, angels, and the Trinity. After that discussing other subjects hasn't really been as complicated but like today it was still kind of hard!

During this quarter of school I decided that it was time for the girls to learn the proper names of the coins and the dollar so they would stop calling them all quarters or as they pronounce it "torters". So I had them get out their piggy banks and pick out a penny, nickle, dime, quarter and a dollar.

They had fun examining them and discussing the ways they were different then after practicing their proper names and how may "pennies" each one equaled I had them glue their money on to a piece of construction paper; except the dollar, we used sticky tac on that because we wouldn't be able to get the dollar off the paper otherwise and in our house a dollar is still a lot of money!

I had them write the amount each piece of money was worth and as Katie was writing she paused, looked up at me and asked, "Why?" Why are they worth that much money mommy and who decided it?" Abby blissfully colored on trying to make the "baby" 'c' with a stick through it.Have you ever tried to explain Fort Knox and the process of how money came to be to a 5 year old? It's pretty great, I think I said "ummmm" about 2 dozen times as I struggled to think of words she would understand. After processing this she examined the dollar closely and said,"Mommy! This looks like it was made with a stamp!" I was very proud of her at that moment since I hadn't explained exactly how they made dollars just that they did. So we discussed in the next few minutes about the huge stamp presses and special paper that they use to make dollars.

She also posed such questions as, "Why is the dime the smallest if its worth more than the penny and nickle?"and "what are they made of" and of course, "Why is the penny the only copper one?" Oh yes and then she asked why the coins from Canada looked different and who decided how they looked and how much they were worth...hmmm...good question!

Bliss

This is a blog about bliss. For Erik bliss equals someone to smile at! And he shares this bliss with whoever sees him!Such a smile is irresistible!For Katie and Abby bliss equaled a pile of raked leaves on a nice autumn day! Making "leaf angels" is as fun as creating snow ones! Leaf fight! Unfortunately I had to put a stop to throwing leaves since they both started to gag on leaf bits which does not equal bliss!Bliss is getting a beautiful candid of your daughter... too bad my leg is in it!!! Maybe my SPFP who has an awesome photo shop program could fix it for me! :)Even a slightly blurry picture of your offspring can fill your heart with joy! So beautiful!Katie's cup of joy is overflowing with bliss at this point! Happiness is just a pile of leaves away folks! I remember the complete joy of jumping into a pile of crunchy leaves with wild abandon...so simple... no money spent, not much to fix up but the happiness it produces is so great! Waiting for Daddy to come tearing 'round the side of the house to jump into the pile of leaves...resisting the urge to jump before he does...seeing Daddy jump in the leaves and roll around...
then getting to run and jump with him...bliss!
And to cap off a perfect day of bliss Katie found a lady bug! My pretty daughter, how I love to see her lopsided smile! Maybe they'll remember getting presents, maybe they'll remember elaborate birthday parties but I remember the best, warmest memories of my childhood came from simple joys of play; moments that could not be created with money like discovering how leaves feel when your in the middle of them on a beautiful autumn day!

Shepherd

Novemeber 13th 2008 was my baby's due date. Hard not to think of what might have been. Last night I just wanted to hold my baby, knowing she is in heaven was not enough; for just a moment I gave into the selfish wish to have my baby with me, here, now. Then with tears and a sigh I put away that thought, I wouldn't want to tear my baby away from God's arms, not really. Then there is the paradox of if we had not lost our little Dee we would not have had Erik and he is my sunshine. Some things we cannot understand, how such a blessing can come from sorrow and loss and would not have come without it.

Still I think what my girl would have been like today. One year old, probably petite and blonde like Katie and Abby, with round cheeks and sparkling blue eyes. As I ponder all these things I think of what my Daddy told me when we first lost our baby. One day when I get to heaven there will be my beautiful child with blonde hair and blue eyes running with open arms to hug me. A beautiful thought that brings tears to my eyes but comfort to my heart.

I wrote another short poem to honour my little one and to put into words what I've felt these past few days. Not sure if I'll write a poem every year, not sure if I'll need to but for now I do.


Gentle Saviour full of love

hold my child for me tonight!

Though I'd never want to take her

from Your Heaven's sparkling light;

How my arms still ache to have her

rock her close and hold her tight.

So my own Gentle Saviour

Hold her close and me tonight.


It has gotten easier, most days now I am fine but then today comes and I break down like it happened that day. In those moments I throw myself at my Saviour's feet and beg for comfort. Yesterday the lines from a song came to my heart...

"Saviour like a shepherd lead us, much we need Thy tender care;
In Thy pleasant pastures feed us, For our use Thy folds prepare:
Blessed Jesus, Blessed Jesus, Thou hast bought us, Thine we are;
Blessed Jesus, Blessed Jesus, Though hast bought us Thine we are."

I need His tender care and am so glad that I am His and He has promised to take care of me even when I walk through the valley of shadow and nothing, nothing can separate me from His love! Promises that I wrap myself in to fill the pain and emptiness left by this life! So though I feel sorrow and loss I can say I am blessed; for what is this life and its pain compared with His love enfolding me and His promise of heaven and an eternity of bliss?

Wise Solomon or Foolish Mother?

Yesterday the girls were playing when a fight broke out over a doll. A year or two ago Joel picked up a couple sets of rag-style dolls cheap at K Mart for the girls. Katie and Abby adore these dolls and divided them up between themselves based on favorite color of dresses, hair, etc...ownership had never come into dispute before. The source of their argument when I intervened before they woke up the napping Erik was this: they couldn't remember whose dolly this was since her dress was a redish kind of purple. Katie was sure it was hers because the dress was almost red but Abby insisted it was her dolly because it had been from the beginning when Daddy had bought them.

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I was about to take the dolly away and put it up somewhere for awhile which is usually what I do in such cases, when Katie said she had an idea that would solve the problem and I quote, "Abby, we could have mommy cut the dolly in half and I could have one half and you could have the other! Then we could fix them up and sew on NEW halfs with buttons and things! See Abby?! That would fix it!"

My internal thoughts thought, "Weird. Did Katie hear about that Solomon account where the two mothers brought the baby before him because both claimed to be the mother? It wasn't on any of her Sunday School papers, hmmm...."

I turned to Abby to tell her we weren't going to cut up the dolly but paused when I saw her. She was cuddling the dolly to her chest and her eyes were sad. As I watched she gave it a hard hug, kissed it, and then held it out to Katie. Her voice was soft and sad as she said "Here Katie. You may have my dolly. I do not want her to be cut up!".

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That gave me a "wow" moment as you can imagine! It was like the Bible story was unfolding before me and the "mommies" had given me the answer I did not know ,exactly as they were supposed too! Abby the true "mommy" would rather her baby go with Katie and be whole and well then for her to be cut in half and ruined. Amazing!

Katie was about to take the dolly when I swooped in and scooped up Abby in my arms for a big hug. As my roll had turned into Solomon's I declared that Abby may have the dolly since she proved she was the true owner by her response to Katie's suggestion. Katie looked confused for a moment then shrugged and went off to play with something else. Abby hugged her dolly tightly and said quietly, "Thank you mommy! I did not want her to be cut up because I do love my dolly so much!"

I had to blink back tears (as I am now) as I gave her another hug and put her down to go play. I am always amazed by the things my girls do and this small moment in their lives that reflected the Bible account of the wise Solomon made me smile. Did Katie hear the story and decide to put it to good use thinking somehow she would get the doll in the end or did she truly think that her suggestion was a fair one that would solve the problem? All I know is that Abby's tender little heart wouldn't allow her to hurt someone else (okay the dolly isn't a real person but still...) when a little self sacrifice could save them!

I'm not sure what this story says about Katie though...wise as Solomon...foolish as the mother? Good manipulator or good problem solver? Hmmmmm...Well, then again they are only 5 and 3, maybe it doesn't mean much at all except to say that little people can surprise us at every turn with their funny ideas and unexpected maturity!

Now if you'll excuse me, I think I have to go hug Abby again!

PJ Party!

This morning I decided to try and get a picture of the kiddos in their footy pj's because they are just so cute in them! It's really hard to get three children to sit still and smile at the camera! I didn't get any "perfect" pictures but here are some that were cute!

I love this picture! Erik sticking out his tongue makes me laugh!

This picture would have been perfect if Katie DIDN'T HAVE HER HAND IN HER FACE!!!

This one is pretty nice though the girls have crazy hair!

Abby and Erik looked so nice in that picture where Katie put her hand over her face that I just photo shopped her out! :) So there are my cuties all warm and comfy in their pj's!

A Touch of Love

Today (October 16) as I went around making the beds I got thoughtful. I've pulled out the quilts since the weather has turned cold and looking at them (besides making me feel like taking a nap) made feel all cozy, warm, and sentimental. One time when I was teaching a friend of mine how to quilt a gal came in, looked at all the stuff spread everywhere and said, "I just don't get quilting! Why would you take a perfectly good piece of fabric, cut it up only to sew it back together again?" I've thought about that question since, I mean really, why would you do that? The time of women saving the not-so-worn bits from worn out shirts and dresses to piece together a quilt so as not to waste a single scrap of anything has past. Most of us can go to Wal Mart and pick up a blanket cheap (I won't go into my rant about the quality of said Wal Mart "Quilts" though I must say the workmanship stinks!) and aren't stuck out in the middle of no where with no stores or money.

After much pondering I think I've finally come up with an answer. Sure it might seem pointless to cut up fabric and put it back together even if it does make pretty patterns but that's not really what quilting is; at least not to me.

I quilt sure, because like most people who do I enjoy the beauty of the fabric, the orderliness of the pattern, the pleasure of creating but that's not really why I do it. The reason, I've come to realize is Love.

I can't always be with the ones I love. I would love nothing more than to hold my little ones all night long but I can't. So in place of me I put a quilt I made especially for them, a touch of my love to warm them through the night, to comfort them when they don't feel good, to remind them of the person who loves them more than words can express.

This is also why I don't like making quilts for money, I'll do it but its not the same when its going to a stranger, I find I don't even enjoy the process as much because it doesn't have the same meaning.

I like to consider the personality of the person I'm making the quilt for. For Joel I made it as manly as possible and Incorporated lots of moose. For Katie of course there's always a lady bug somewhere and for Abby something round and happy.

I also like designing quilts and for each child I made a special block just for them. I tried to incorporate their personalities, something that would make me smile and think, "Yes, that's definitely that child!" I haven't made any for our kids yet, save one, I plan to wait until they are in their "big kid" beds before I do (SO Katie and Abby will be getting theirs in the near future). I did design and make my lovely niece one when she was born which was very, very fun!

The one I have made is just a block but then my baby will never have "big kid" bed so there is no reason to wait. After we lost our baby I felt so much sorrow; more than I thought I could ever bear. But that pain could never diminish the love I felt for our tiny baby who I could never hold or wrap up in a quilt during a cold winter's night. I wanted to design a block to express the joy of having our baby no matter what the circumstances, to try and bring across to the viewer the splendour of God's love and the glory of the place where my little one went. I call it "Joy and Glory" and I made it with all the love in my heart. Though it will never touch my baby I can hold it and somehow it comforts me and I feel God's love for me and for my baby.

So just a peak into my thoughts today and if you happen to have a quilt made by me, little, big, or in between what I'm really trying to say is ... I love you!