Shepherd

Novemeber 13th 2008 was my baby's due date. Hard not to think of what might have been. Last night I just wanted to hold my baby, knowing she is in heaven was not enough; for just a moment I gave into the selfish wish to have my baby with me, here, now. Then with tears and a sigh I put away that thought, I wouldn't want to tear my baby away from God's arms, not really. Then there is the paradox of if we had not lost our little Dee we would not have had Erik and he is my sunshine. Some things we cannot understand, how such a blessing can come from sorrow and loss and would not have come without it.

Still I think what my girl would have been like today. One year old, probably petite and blonde like Katie and Abby, with round cheeks and sparkling blue eyes. As I ponder all these things I think of what my Daddy told me when we first lost our baby. One day when I get to heaven there will be my beautiful child with blonde hair and blue eyes running with open arms to hug me. A beautiful thought that brings tears to my eyes but comfort to my heart.

I wrote another short poem to honour my little one and to put into words what I've felt these past few days. Not sure if I'll write a poem every year, not sure if I'll need to but for now I do.


Gentle Saviour full of love

hold my child for me tonight!

Though I'd never want to take her

from Your Heaven's sparkling light;

How my arms still ache to have her

rock her close and hold her tight.

So my own Gentle Saviour

Hold her close and me tonight.


It has gotten easier, most days now I am fine but then today comes and I break down like it happened that day. In those moments I throw myself at my Saviour's feet and beg for comfort. Yesterday the lines from a song came to my heart...

"Saviour like a shepherd lead us, much we need Thy tender care;
In Thy pleasant pastures feed us, For our use Thy folds prepare:
Blessed Jesus, Blessed Jesus, Thou hast bought us, Thine we are;
Blessed Jesus, Blessed Jesus, Though hast bought us Thine we are."

I need His tender care and am so glad that I am His and He has promised to take care of me even when I walk through the valley of shadow and nothing, nothing can separate me from His love! Promises that I wrap myself in to fill the pain and emptiness left by this life! So though I feel sorrow and loss I can say I am blessed; for what is this life and its pain compared with His love enfolding me and His promise of heaven and an eternity of bliss?

Wise Solomon or Foolish Mother?

Yesterday the girls were playing when a fight broke out over a doll. A year or two ago Joel picked up a couple sets of rag-style dolls cheap at K Mart for the girls. Katie and Abby adore these dolls and divided them up between themselves based on favorite color of dresses, hair, etc...ownership had never come into dispute before. The source of their argument when I intervened before they woke up the napping Erik was this: they couldn't remember whose dolly this was since her dress was a redish kind of purple. Katie was sure it was hers because the dress was almost red but Abby insisted it was her dolly because it had been from the beginning when Daddy had bought them.

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I was about to take the dolly away and put it up somewhere for awhile which is usually what I do in such cases, when Katie said she had an idea that would solve the problem and I quote, "Abby, we could have mommy cut the dolly in half and I could have one half and you could have the other! Then we could fix them up and sew on NEW halfs with buttons and things! See Abby?! That would fix it!"

My internal thoughts thought, "Weird. Did Katie hear about that Solomon account where the two mothers brought the baby before him because both claimed to be the mother? It wasn't on any of her Sunday School papers, hmmm...."

I turned to Abby to tell her we weren't going to cut up the dolly but paused when I saw her. She was cuddling the dolly to her chest and her eyes were sad. As I watched she gave it a hard hug, kissed it, and then held it out to Katie. Her voice was soft and sad as she said "Here Katie. You may have my dolly. I do not want her to be cut up!".

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That gave me a "wow" moment as you can imagine! It was like the Bible story was unfolding before me and the "mommies" had given me the answer I did not know ,exactly as they were supposed too! Abby the true "mommy" would rather her baby go with Katie and be whole and well then for her to be cut in half and ruined. Amazing!

Katie was about to take the dolly when I swooped in and scooped up Abby in my arms for a big hug. As my roll had turned into Solomon's I declared that Abby may have the dolly since she proved she was the true owner by her response to Katie's suggestion. Katie looked confused for a moment then shrugged and went off to play with something else. Abby hugged her dolly tightly and said quietly, "Thank you mommy! I did not want her to be cut up because I do love my dolly so much!"

I had to blink back tears (as I am now) as I gave her another hug and put her down to go play. I am always amazed by the things my girls do and this small moment in their lives that reflected the Bible account of the wise Solomon made me smile. Did Katie hear the story and decide to put it to good use thinking somehow she would get the doll in the end or did she truly think that her suggestion was a fair one that would solve the problem? All I know is that Abby's tender little heart wouldn't allow her to hurt someone else (okay the dolly isn't a real person but still...) when a little self sacrifice could save them!

I'm not sure what this story says about Katie though...wise as Solomon...foolish as the mother? Good manipulator or good problem solver? Hmmmmm...Well, then again they are only 5 and 3, maybe it doesn't mean much at all except to say that little people can surprise us at every turn with their funny ideas and unexpected maturity!

Now if you'll excuse me, I think I have to go hug Abby again!

PJ Party!

This morning I decided to try and get a picture of the kiddos in their footy pj's because they are just so cute in them! It's really hard to get three children to sit still and smile at the camera! I didn't get any "perfect" pictures but here are some that were cute!

I love this picture! Erik sticking out his tongue makes me laugh!

This picture would have been perfect if Katie DIDN'T HAVE HER HAND IN HER FACE!!!

This one is pretty nice though the girls have crazy hair!

Abby and Erik looked so nice in that picture where Katie put her hand over her face that I just photo shopped her out! :) So there are my cuties all warm and comfy in their pj's!

A Touch of Love

Today (October 16) as I went around making the beds I got thoughtful. I've pulled out the quilts since the weather has turned cold and looking at them (besides making me feel like taking a nap) made feel all cozy, warm, and sentimental. One time when I was teaching a friend of mine how to quilt a gal came in, looked at all the stuff spread everywhere and said, "I just don't get quilting! Why would you take a perfectly good piece of fabric, cut it up only to sew it back together again?" I've thought about that question since, I mean really, why would you do that? The time of women saving the not-so-worn bits from worn out shirts and dresses to piece together a quilt so as not to waste a single scrap of anything has past. Most of us can go to Wal Mart and pick up a blanket cheap (I won't go into my rant about the quality of said Wal Mart "Quilts" though I must say the workmanship stinks!) and aren't stuck out in the middle of no where with no stores or money.

After much pondering I think I've finally come up with an answer. Sure it might seem pointless to cut up fabric and put it back together even if it does make pretty patterns but that's not really what quilting is; at least not to me.

I quilt sure, because like most people who do I enjoy the beauty of the fabric, the orderliness of the pattern, the pleasure of creating but that's not really why I do it. The reason, I've come to realize is Love.

I can't always be with the ones I love. I would love nothing more than to hold my little ones all night long but I can't. So in place of me I put a quilt I made especially for them, a touch of my love to warm them through the night, to comfort them when they don't feel good, to remind them of the person who loves them more than words can express.

This is also why I don't like making quilts for money, I'll do it but its not the same when its going to a stranger, I find I don't even enjoy the process as much because it doesn't have the same meaning.

I like to consider the personality of the person I'm making the quilt for. For Joel I made it as manly as possible and Incorporated lots of moose. For Katie of course there's always a lady bug somewhere and for Abby something round and happy.

I also like designing quilts and for each child I made a special block just for them. I tried to incorporate their personalities, something that would make me smile and think, "Yes, that's definitely that child!" I haven't made any for our kids yet, save one, I plan to wait until they are in their "big kid" beds before I do (SO Katie and Abby will be getting theirs in the near future). I did design and make my lovely niece one when she was born which was very, very fun!

The one I have made is just a block but then my baby will never have "big kid" bed so there is no reason to wait. After we lost our baby I felt so much sorrow; more than I thought I could ever bear. But that pain could never diminish the love I felt for our tiny baby who I could never hold or wrap up in a quilt during a cold winter's night. I wanted to design a block to express the joy of having our baby no matter what the circumstances, to try and bring across to the viewer the splendour of God's love and the glory of the place where my little one went. I call it "Joy and Glory" and I made it with all the love in my heart. Though it will never touch my baby I can hold it and somehow it comforts me and I feel God's love for me and for my baby.

So just a peak into my thoughts today and if you happen to have a quilt made by me, little, big, or in between what I'm really trying to say is ... I love you!

What I'd Rather be Doing...

What I am doing: laundry

What I'd rather be doing: sleeping

Why: Because while sleep would be blissful there is no magic laundry fairy that comes during nap to wash, dry, fold, and put away the piles of dirty laundry lurking around my house...not even when I'm sick! Stupid fairies that don't exist! Why can't you be real? Why? WHY?!


What I will be doing: planning out what I will teach the girls in school next week

What I'd rather be doing: Sleeping!

Why: Because while sleep would most certainly make me feel better I have undertaken a serious and real responsibility to educate my children and there is no lesson plan fairy that comes during nap and writes out what to teach in bright, pretty colors! Again, why aren't you real oh fairies of wonder?!

What I will be doing: Unpacking

What I'd rather be doing: SLEEPING!!! (do you detect the pattern here?)

Why: Because I am tired of tripping over half unpacked boxes and not being able to find my horde of crochet hooks and hearing my husband go around mumbling about how he can't find the charger cord for his razor or his favorite shirt which he really, really wanted to wear! Oh and because there is no magic unpacking fairy that comes while you nap to unpack and organize your stuff!


What I will be doing: Cuddling my baby and reading to my girls before tucking them into bed with hugs and kisses! Listening to my girls prayers where they confide in God all their little plans for the next day and dreams for their future days!

What I'd rather be doing: Nothing else in the whole world!

Why: Because even though they are a handfuls that make me sleep deprived and frazzled they are my babies and I love them! AND I am glad there are no magic take-care-of-your-kids fairy that comes during nap to do all the things that make motherhood wonderful! (Author's note:Laundry does not make motherhood wonderful so I'm open to the whole laundry fairy thing!)

THE END!

No Oops III!

Success! For the last three nights Erik has kept down formula! Yay! After the last formula fiasco I remembered that Carnation made formula with "comfort proteins" which turned out to mean that it was broken down so babies who had a hard time digesting formula would not have a problem. I was still hesitant to buy any, formula is expensive and it made his tummy so upset but decided to give it a whirl since I was barely making enough milk to satisfy the boy.

The first night he had a bottle at 9:30 with 2 oz formula and 4 oz breast milk. He drank 5 1/2 oz and fell asleep at about 10:30. I went to bed at 11:30 but didn't get to sleep right away, I kept listening for the sound of spitting up. Eventually I nodded off and didn't wake up til about 4 which is his usual 2nd bottle time but he was sound asleep so I went back to bed. Well, he stayed asleep until 6:30 and didn't spit up at all, not even a little bit! I was happy but cautious, I wanted to wait until he had had it a couple times before doing the happy dance of joy.

The second night he had the same mix of bottle and fell asleep about the same time. He slept soundly (so did I!) until 5:30 had another bottle (no formula) and went back to sleep until 9:30. I was ecstatic! I had gotten a total of 8 hours of sleep! I was so awake and perky I didn't know what to do with myself!

Last night he had the mixed bottle again but then did his naughty trick of being wide awake til just after midnight. I stumbled into bed at 12:30ish with a splitting headache and couldn't get into a good sleep. Erik waited until 6 for his next bottle (formula and mommy milk again) and I went back to bed after he had fallen back asleep but my head still ached terribly. I awoke at 9:30 with my head pounding but no baby crying. Erik was snoring blissfully away, he had kept his milk down after two servings of formula! Yay! If my head didn't hurt so much I would be doing the happy dance right now!

Now that the pressure is off from being the only source of food for my son I'm making lots more milk :) which Joel rolls his eyes at. Stress makes mommies dry up though as many new mommies can attest too but he still says I'm silly for being such a worry wort. Of course he's right, I do tend to worry; like daddy like daughter I guess! So now besides my headache which has managed to survive Tylenol, Motrin, 2 mountain dews, and a cup of coffee I am a very happy milk-producing mommy who is looking forward to the idea of at least 6 straight hours of glorious sleep! Thank you Carnation and the beauty of comfort proteins!

Spotted Abby

Sunday morning Abby woke up with a dozen or so red spots on her arms, legs, hands, and face. around the red spots there was a faint white ring. After investigating her bed to make sure there were no spiders and since they didn't look at all like chicken pox, measles or any of those childhood rashes we decided it must be some sort of reaction to something she ate or had been exposed to. I dabbed some benydril on them and we raced to church.

This morning she has a half dozen new spots and most of the old ones have gotten bigger. We've racked our brains to see what new thing she had been exposed to and remembered Friday and Saturday we decided to let her try yogurt since lactose intolerant people can generally handle yogurt. There has been nothing else new she's had or been exposed to that we know of. Soooooo long story short it appears our Abby might have an actual milk allergy instead of just intolerance.

Now comes the fun-fun stage of testing our theory which includes waiting for the hives to clear up, giving her a big dose of yogurt, and seeing what happens. Milk allergies are stinkers in that they don't necessarily show up in allergy testing, blood or skin, so its generally determined by exposure. Yay us!

As soon as we get insurance (we're waiting while they go over our paper work) we're going to take her in to talk to the doctor about our findings just to be sure. Sometimes hives just happen for no reason that can be determined and it could be just some fluke thing that floated by and made her break out. Hopefully time and testing will tell!